I'm infamously bad at Halloween. No, I guess that's not right; I'm bad at fantasy football despite how much effort I put into it. I'm... uninterested in Halloween. Don't get me wrong, it has all of my favorite things (alcohol and bad food.) I've mostly stayed away from dressing up too ridiculously, in a holiday that makes it a contest. It has all of the same appeal as taking selfies; I'm a fat guy in his mid 20's, and unless I want to go as Chris Farley every year it's best to just downplay it, and make a fool of yourself the old fashioned way (alcohol and bad food.)

Anyway, I'm going to most likely get together with close friends, and since I'm now scared to wear my clown mask for fear of being attacked by angry villagers... I came up with some great football related costumes that I may be wearing. And heck, if you need a costume, give it a shot.

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Football Costume Ideas

The Las Vegas Elvis Raider: One part cheesy Elvis wig, one part white pants, one part Raiders jersey. Tell everyone you are "all shook up" to see Derek Carr down the street from The Strip, or let people know that you're "Hubba Hubba Hoping" that Latavius Murray won't screw you over this week!

A Color Rush Jersey: One part overly bright spray-paint can on sale at Home Depot because no one ever buys that color. Apply to white clothing with gusto. Let everyone know you're gonna be playing on Thursday night, despite the sub-optimal match-up possibilities.

Tom Brady: One part Tom Brady jersey, one part handcuffs. You can also go bottomless, if you're prepared to go to jail for a great gag.

A Sweet Play-Recap Vine: One part Odell Beckham Jr. costume, one part leaving halfway through the party.

The Shoddy NFL Judgement System: One part Roger Goodell suit, one part eight ball. If someone asks you who you are, give them a complicated and/or condescending answer. If they ask you again, let your eight ball do the hard work! After all, you're the rich guy, you don't have time for that!

Anyway, on to the advice...

Running Back

Isaiah Crowell will either be on my bench or will ruin my week.

This isn't exactly the sexiest pick in the land, but anyone who is playing Crowell in a week chock full of BYEs is looking for disappointment. The Cleveland Browns RB did decent work with his touches in Week 7, but ultimately has seen his workload drop in the last three weeks. He has yet to top 14 touches or 70 rushing yards in the last three weeks, and that won't start with the Jets.

Dear Ty Montgomery, do you like like me? I like like you this week.

Is this cheating? IT FEELS LIKE CHEATING! It's also partly why I'm so excited about Ty Montgomery in general. He's a RB! He's a WR! He's like if the Dexter McCluster thing actually worked in Kansas City! Montgomery will be serving partially as a RB, partially as a WR, in a game vs Atlanta that is both simultaneous shootout and weird Green Bay matchup vs the Atlanta defense all at once. Of course, if my fever dream of a Sunday is as predicted, it could mean a disgustingly big day for guys like Ty.

Am I going to really start Robert Kelley in Week 8?

Chris Thompson was the "run, don't walk" pickup for mostly everyone who owned Matt Jones or simply needed an RB in Week 8, but it looks like Kelley, not Thompson, will be getting the start in London. It's worth discussing the split; Thompson will be the third-down back and potentially the goal line option, but if you are desperate, go with the guy being forecasted as the starter until we know more about what this committee division looks like.

Wide Receiver

Don't hand me my money back, I'm going double-or-nothing on Larry Fitzgerald

Any Arizona Cardinal not named "David Johnson" has been more than a little frustrating to own, but Fitz has been solid. A WR1 in nearly every league, a consistent amount of targets, and a Carolina defense that is more apt to allow a shootout than to stop any significant forward progress. Fitz should be more reminiscent of his game vs San Francisco than what the last two week have looked like.

I will be discarding my Jordy Nelson and replacing him with two cards from the deck

In a column that is stark full of advice that is probably neither new nor artfully written, I will be also telling you that Desmond Trufant is very good at playing cornerback, and has been shadowing the number one receiver on the opposing offense every matchup so far. As a Jordy Nelson owner, this is devastating, but I'd rather violate the "never sit your stud" rule than lose a game like this again. While I am passionately riding with some Packers (TY!), I'm sitting out on Jordy.

I am out of options, and will be swiping left on Cordarrelle Patterson (owned in less than 2% of leagues)

This is a recommendation that seems brutally obvious despite such low ownership percentage. Patterson is the WR2 on Minnesota, getting consistent targets in the last three games, and is facing a team that welcomes opposing wide receivers with fruit baskets and touchdowns. If you're hurting in any league (looking at you, already miserable Odell owners), Patterson is more than likely waiting for you.

Tight End

Parachute? I don't need no parachute, I have Antonio Gates

In a week where many of the San Diego Chargers fantasy options are doing the "I'm Benched Shuffle," Antonio Gates is a beacon of light. Preventing TE yards is one of the few weakness of Denver's defense, and Gates is still available in more than 40% of leagues. It's a particularly brutal week for TE, so don't be afraid to take a flyer on a veteran.

Don't cry kids! We will bury Eric Ebron in the yard

I've seen trades for Eric Ebron this week, I've seen people hoping he's the answer for Week 8... but I'm going to need someone to sit me down and tell me why. The Houston Texans haven't given much away to the position, not allowing more than 40 yards to any TE so far (except for you, Indianapolis. Four for you, Indianapolis, and none for Denver!) Let the man heal for one more week before you take a chance on him.